In the Chaos.... and In the Calm

 God's timing is perfect. Even when we are broken. Even when our whole world is falling apart. Even when we are on the floor weeping and wailing and crying out in anguish.  Before we even glimpse our healing, God is already behind the scenes working. Preparing the Way for us. Providing for needs we did not even know we had. Little did I know when I was sobbing on the hard, cold bathroom floor, God was moving. He was preparing something so beautiful... something beyond what I could have imagined.  Psalm 30:11-12 says,  You turned my wailing into dancing,  You removed my garments of mourning, and clothed me with joy,  that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks to you forever.   The Voice version says:  You turned my deepest pains into joyful dancing! When God told me, "It's time to cease mourning and get up and dance", He knew the gift that was on the horizon. Not that the grieving process is irrevocab...

 Last night I attended a Presbytery service. It's a special time where multiple leaders take turns speaking a word of encouragement over people in attendance.  We all need encouragement at times. As I incubate, as I wait for God to guide me into what is next, I connect with that need to remind myself of what I already know. One of the words spoken last night really struck me, " Shout to your fear, and preach to your doubt. " We need to make a habit to speak aloud the following truths.   I invite you to do this with me, wherever you are, raise your voice and proclaim these promises from  Psalm 145:13. I can take God at His word.  God keeps His promises. #promisekeeper God is faithful.  God's timing is perfect. (Psalm 31:15, Ecclesiastes 3:1)  When God says, "Wait" it's because He is working to line up all the resources, people, positions, and facets of everything He has already planned to do over and in and through us.  The waiting is not an accid...

When you meet new people, there are always the getting to know you questions. Where do you live? What do you do? How do you spend your days?   I've been telling people I'm in a "transitional season." I'm waiting for God to show me what is next. I share that I'm grateful for His provision so I can catch my breath and rebuild.  Last night God asked me to reframe how I've been defining this season. To look through the lens of Divine preparation rather than the mindset of "transition".   People keep asking me- "What do you want to do with your life?" But the question I'm choosing to ask is, "God, what do YOU want to do with my life? What do you want to do in and through me?" I'm open to anything. Honestly, I hope that He won't send me back into the public school system. I'd like to be connected with some sort of ministry. My heart is to serve Him. But I know that anything I can think up falls way short of His amazi...

John Legend sings a beautiful ballad, "All of me, loves all of you." Listening to this song can be a spiritual experience. The piano cords are otherworldly. The vocals are simple, yet exquisite, and the words speak of a love that encircles every imperfection and yet, still chooses to love.  Have you ever known a love like that?  A love that stays constant while recognizing and accepting "all your curves and all your edges"? Ya'll, I've got some edges. And the only One I know that loves like that is Jesus. #neveralone I'm in a season of change and untethering. I have no idea what the future holds. The only stability in my life is God himself. Living in the unknown presses my edges to the surface. I'm far from perfect, but I am holding tight to the only One that has a clue what is coming down the road. So this song has become a worship experience for me. Maybe it's crazy, but when I hear this song, I can feel the Holy Spirit singing some of the lyr...

 Do you ever ask God, "Why?"  I'd like to say I haven't, but ya'll, the truth is that yes, I have. A few weeks ago my husband asked for a divorce.  I was shocked. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me. I was careful in who I chose to get serious with. I purposefully waited until I felt God had given his stamp of approval on the relationship. I chose someone who not only shared my faith but also actively served God and was dedicated to him. I did everything I knew to do to be sure and choose "the right person"... But the truth is nobody ever thinks this will happen to them. Most people who say "I do" intend it to be forever. And very few people see this sort of thing coming.  So why do these things happen?  I don't know the full answer, but I can tell you some truths:  Truth #1:  I grew immensely through the friendships and mentorships God connected me with while married to an army chaplain. I got to participate in an in...

Ya'll, it's been a rough few months. Heck, it's been a rough year. It's the anniversary of the week when COVID-19 brought unprecedented changes. Many lost their jobs as businesses closed and the economy suffered. I was in that number. My family has been fortunate... just before the COVID assistance stopped, a door opened to teaching position, and I found myself going back to public school after 20 years. #thingsIneverthoughtwouldhappen #theOnlydoor I've heard it said that "There is no tired like Teacher Tired." After 5 months of long hours and multiple huge projects piled on all at once (plus a steep learning curve in a new grade level) I can attest that this is truth. I have not felt this tired since the year that my oldest son spent months in and out of the hospital on a monthly and weekly basis.  There is an exhaustion that goes beyond the physical and seeps into the very psyche. All of who I am, physically, emotionally, and spiritually has been excepti...

A loved one asked me recently, "Why did God cause this to happen? What lesson are we supposed to learn?" The context, of course,  was the COVID-19 Quarantine. Here's the thing: I don't believe God caused this to happen. Just like I don't believe God "gave " my oldest son Type 1 Diabetes at the age of four, or depression and anxiety at the age of 16. I don't believe God "caused" my husband to have PTSD or my other son to have a sensory disorder due to birth trauma (God did not cause the birth trauma either). God caused none of this. My loved one replied to my assertion, "But He allowed it. He's got to want us to learn something from it." The underlying question is: Why does God allow suffering? And one of the big myths of the Christian faith is "so that we can learn something from it". Now, before you get overly excited about me calling this a myth, just take a moment to breathe and "Listen to UNDERS...

Who knew that laying around doing nothing would be so exhausting? Ok, so there ARE a lot of us are who are not laying around doing nothing. A lot of us are trying to work from home while managing the stressors of Virtual Schooling.  A lot of us are finding that our usual ways of coping with life have been taken away. Shut down. Removed-- and we are grieving a nationwide change in how we go about just Living Life. If I've never mentioned it before, I've had a whole lot of counseling. Since my husband came home from Iraq with PTSD we have had individual counseling, marriage counseling, and family counseling. After my oldest son's diagnosis of depression and anxiety we also had crisis counseling.   The short version of 10 years of counseling? Grief is not only assigned to the loss of a loved one. Losing someone we love is only one kind of grief. Humans have the capacity to grieve many situations:  The loss of a relationship.  The loss of a way of l...

Ya'll, to quote my Pastor, Kim Poer, this situation is unprecedented. You are going to feel anxious. You re going to feel afraid, and overwrought, and even worn out. You just are. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means we are all in a season that is, again, unprecedented. I am getting ready to launch something new. There's a lot of unknowns, and simultaneously a lot of work to be done. Not "unprecedented" because others have done Virtual Schooling in the past. But certainly this is new to me. My oldest son did online schooling (with me overseeing) during a year when he was in and out of the hospital constantly. So, I know how it works, but it is a totally different thing to set it up and create a Virtual Schooling opportunity from scratch. I'd be tempted to think that I have to figure everything out myself, and DO IT ALL IMMEDIATELY but ya'll, that's just NOT true. That is the enemy of my soul trying to overwhelm me ...

The last few days have been a whirlwhind. This past year I transitioned from part time writer and teacher at a small preschool at my church, to taking on the position of Director of said preschool, as it incresed by leaps and bounds. I thought I was busy before, juggling the various medical needs in my household and writing lesson plans for my preschoolers and the Biblical history themed Sunday School class I teach. Yet this new position brought a new meaning to "busy-ness"- rivalling only one season when we were in doctors offices and hospital rooms Every. Single. Day. For months on end, as all three of those I care for were receiving much needed therapies. We were blessed by the gift of this treatment, but the schedule was intense.   I've been busy before. So I know I can survive it, but sometimes... well sometimes, I just need to STOP being so busy and get still. I recharge by being quiet and alone, and I refill by seeking connection with God. I will confess th...

Today’s learning centered on grace and kindness. In Sunday School we discussed denominational challenges. We talked about being kind to those we disagree with. Showing grace to people who are different. Holding firmly to our beliefs while not being mean- even if someone else is- particularly those we disagree with. Then the reminder in today’s sermon of Gandi’s experience with discrimination by Christians in Calcutta, which led to the following oft quoted words of the famous activist: “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ”. To which I nodded, pondering the quandary of a word meaning “Christ-like” being applied to those who are, at times, very much unlike their Christ. How many have been hurt by church people? Those who sing about the love of God but don’t live it? And...How easy is it to point the finger at others and forget that I fall short, too! My own test came in unexpected ways... SO many congratulations and exultati...

I've said it several times in recent days; sometimes helping those in need is challenging. Some wounds are so deep, so disturbing. Some needs are So Big. I remember a song from childhood: My God is So Big So Strong and So Mighty There's Nothing My God Cannot do. My class of 3 year olds love to point at each other (and me) and holler the final phrase: FOR YOU!! There is comfort in that long held truth, though I know that moving forward towards healing is daunting for some and others need a great deal of intervention to get free. Setting foot on the path to wellness sometimes requires help from outside ourselves. Yet God IS capable of providing every resource needed. My role is to be the light- for there is only ONE who is the healer. Perspective and self care is imperative when faced with the overwhelming and nature is a balm when I am troubled by what is beyond my scope. Behind our neighborhood is an undeveloped area, an...

How are you doing today?" A simple question that can unleash struggles and trials and traumas beneath the surface. I ask this question often, as there are those in my home who struggle with anxiety and depression. Sometimes the answer is, "Fine", when I know in my heart they are not fine- and I struggle, and pray, and wait until they are ready to share. Sometimes the answer is honest and heart wrenching all at once. And sometimes, the answer leads to an intense season of intervention, with support from those who are trained to help. It is heart wrenching to see one you love more than life struggle to stay present in it.  I can work off some of my own anxiety with the necessary medical response. Once an emergency doctor appointment has been scheduled, a counselor who is a good fit is found, and insurance approval has finally been given (after hours and days on the phone), there is a necessary stillness. A time to wait, and pray, and deal with my own feelings and em...

Last weekend, events in Charlottesville, Virginia proved that hate and prejudice have devastating consequences. We are making strides, but there is more work to do. Yesterday, our guest speaker at church, Travis Burdett, encouraged us to: Stand against hate and stand for  l ove.  To look within and identify our own prejudices- and let God change them.  He challenged us to spend some time with someone very different from us. Someone we would not normally speak to. Someone we might judge harshly if we did not take a moment to truly see and understand. He challenged us to have a conversation and Listen. Really listen. With an open mind and loving heart. He said, "Listening is Revolutionary in a world where everyone is yelling at one another."  Jesus himself was an avid listener- and all who encountered him were challenged. Many were transformed simply by encountering Living Grace. What would Jesus do in light of recent events? Well, take a look at what Je...

I personally am of the opinion that Jesus would shop at Target.  He'd be there encouraging Mamas with full hands, speaking words of kindness as they try to grab milk and eggs while wrestling fussy youngsters who are throwing fits because she did not buy them candy, or allow them to run amok in the toy aisle. He'd offer words to fill hearts, and a genuine understanding of the truth that parenting is hard and while Mamas may not "enjoy every moment" we do purpose to find moments to connect with the hearts of our children and enjoy who they are, and who they are becoming--even if they exhaust our ever lovin' patience at times (like when we are in Target). Jesus would be taking time out for the older, lonely folks- He would help them reach the products they have a hard time getting to, and then he would walk WITH them for a good long while, tarrying . Knowing that He could be the only one all week to treat them with respect and truly listen to them, un-rushed, for ...