Failure? Or Freedom?
Failure. We are all confronted with it. Whether we face our own expectations or those of others, we all fall short sometimes. And there are the times when life- and even God- seems to have failed us. Times when no matter how hard we try, no matter what buttons we push or what loads we carry, all we find in our path is disappointment.
Daily, I work to manage various life altering and even, at times, life threatening diagnoses. And sometimes, no matter how hard I strive, at the end of the day (or month, or year), I stumble through that feeling of failure.
When I am at the end of all I want, for myself and those I love, it's time for an altar walk. I go outside and pour out my concerns (usually aloud) to the One who hears- and listens. Movement is a conduit for release. These walks keep me sane, grounded, when life is crowded with struggles and disappointments. Green rolls out before me, punctuated with pinks and yellows and blues, and I breathe in the beauty of creation.
My attention is drawn outside myself and my wants, to a place where I am open to re- direction. I become willing to let go of my expectations, my wishes and wants. I am free to walk in God's plans and purposes for me- and my family. There is peace- even joy- in release.
Here I find that the diagnoses, the special issues that seem like limitations are actually marking out the path set before me. Helping me connect with those who will support and encourage me along the way, and connecting me with those God will pour into through me, as well. The course is not always clear, and the unknowns at times seem daunting. But the beauty of this way is that I have a loving Guide. One who knows every need in me- and those I love.
The One who is dedicated to healing souls and hearts walks with me, offering to draw close and sustain in every season. Letting go of my way, my wants allows me to embrace that symbiotic relationship where I am held, cradled through the entire journey.
At the end of the struggle I always come back to the One who has wholeness at heart. I am set free to experience more- not bound by the limitations of my wishes, but protected by such great love for me- the love that offers what is in my own best interest. It's not just for the lives I will connect with as I walk. It's for my own journey towards wellness.
So in times when the path set before me is not what I would choose, I've learned to let go of that illusion of control. Then I find that the choice to walk where I am held liberates me. The choice is clear- release and trust, embracing my own unique stages of grief, or cling to vapors. Even when it hurts, I can trust that God can redeem this, too. He never fails to give beauty for ashes.