Friday, January 4, 2013

Slipping Back

It wasn't a date. It really wasn't. Sure, we had talked about maybe going together to join a gym. But it slipped his mind. He didn't do it out of meanness. He simply forgot. And I forget things, too. But I was angry. So angry. And I didn't really even know why. It's not like before, when he was struggling simply to live. It's not like when he hated life, God, everything- even me and the kids. It wasn't like the years that simply being in a room with him tore at my soul. This time, it was simply a mistake. But I felt so very wounded. I went back, back to the year when he loved nothing and no one- not even me.

And I tried to tell myself that this was not then. That things are better now. That he really does love me, and he is a good husband and father, and that he shows his love for me in so many ways. But all I could feel was the hurt. And I felt guilty for feeling hurt. It made absolutely no sense- and perfect sense all at once.

You see, so much of what wounds in this life is not about what is happening now, but about what came before. We have come out of a place where living with my husband was incredibly traumatic. Even before he was actually diagnosed with PTSD. Once the symptoms had a label, I tried to understand. God showed me that leaving would tear apart the fabric of our lives- for both of us, and so I stayed.  But sometimes, obedience hurts. And sometimes love is not reciprocated. And sometimes people are ill and truly can not help it. But all these reasons, all these truths do not take away the hurt.

The only balm for a broken life is forgiveness.

Once I realized what was happening, it was time. Time to walk down the well worn path to the altar. God, I cannot do this.  But that's precisely the point, isn't it? I cannot, in my own strength, forgive. But God, through me, can. Divine electricity coursing through this deeply flawed vessel can change a life. Even the lives of those closest to me. Even the lives of those who have hurt me deepest. And what do I get out of it? I get to walk free.



Father God,

Thank you for loving me despite my many, many flaws.I admit to you that I am broken, that I have been hurt, specifically by this happening. I feel guilt, ashamed for being wounded. I would really like to make excuses for him. But excuses won't set me free. The truth is- the truth is that forgiveness cuts the chains. And I do not want to be bound any longer to the woundedness. I want to be free. Show me what you want to heal in me, pour your unconditional acceptance and love through me. I choose to be a vessel of forgiveness, and I choose to claim healing in my body, soul and spirit.

In the name of Jesus I ask you to set the order. To show me what needs to be forgiven, that every chain would be removed, link, by link, until I am truly, wholly free.

In the strong and holy name of Jesus I pray.

Amen.




~Just me

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