Friday, January 11, 2013

Living Forward

I read the words and my heart welled up, pushing wetness out of ducts meant to convey toxins out and healing in. What struck me most was the guilt, the loss of hope.

And I wanted to say: Oh, honey- don't spend one more day looking at lists of everything you thought you should have done. From "Don't should on yourself" to the "tyranny of the shoulds", phrases flit through my mind. But when hope seems lost, humor can ring hollow.

The truth is- the truth is that we are all flawed. And fighting through discouragement is a very real battle. It is that time of year when many aspire to "do better". To throw off the cloak of human frailty and soar, despite these feet of clay. Sorrow, sadness over what I did not accomplish won't really help me change. Will it? No, but I do think that prayer and determination will.

Don't get me wrong- there are plenty of mourning places in this life. But failings- in this imperfect world, they are part of our learning process. How can I live the secret to pushing past guilt? For I desire push past, as a child emphatically pushes the unwanted off a plate, into the napkin, and heads for the trash bin. Sometimes I push hard with arms forced to lift past the mired mind. And sometimes I walk out on that crushing would-be master, and find I can, indeed soar. Even with feet of clay. For the One that holds and carries, His name is Hope.

Living past my failings, this takes work. And discipline to look past where I want to be and accept where I have been placed NOW.  Surrender frees me. Frees me up to be who I was made to be- even if it looks different than everybody else. For I am not everyone else, am I? I am me. Despite every loss, despite every failure, despite every time I did not "get it right", the truth is I do not have to. Because there is One who already did.

I have been ransomed, set free. The prison of blame and reproach can only hold me if choose to stay. Really. Once I was told that I made it sound "so easy". Let me not mislead- exertion, commitment, discipline of mind and actions- this is key in navigating the course. Prayer is the conduit, the strength to push through. Every time- every single time the enemy brings the past, the imperfectness of my life and throws it in my face. Every time I long for something different, something that I had before- every moment when life seems inadequate and my strength fails, Prayer is the key. Crying out to God and praying that most powerful of all prayers- "Help!" I cannot do this on my own. It is a choice. A conscious, hard fought battle to claim peace and choose to trust.To press in, to live out of the depths, and to seize Hope. Easy? No, but worth it. My soul sings a resounding yes!
 Resolutions, these are not for me. What I choose is to walk authentically where I am, and leave the rest to Jesus.

~Just Me




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