Friday, April 24, 2015

Fighting Fear

Why do these things always seem to happen in the middle of the night? 

It's 4 am and my son's insulin pump has stopped working. Bleary eyed, I muscle through drowsiness, giving a shot of insulin to bring down a blood glucose level of almost 600... and wait. I restart the pump;  it kicks back into gear.

 I pray, and wait.  Every hour, on the hour, I check blood glucose levels and pray. Mid morning the pump shuts down again. It won't re-boot. After a conversation with the insulin pump company, a new pump is sent out. I find an older pump, our "back up", and continue to check Blood Glucose levels hourly,  correcting high BG levels via syringe. Late in the afternoon, the "substitute" pump stops working... and I panic.

I have back up "24 hour" insulin on hand, but need the doctor's guidance regarding dosage. I call the endocrinologist's office and wait. And wait. Wait to see if he'll switch over to "shot therapy" til the new pump arrives, or simply be admitted to the ER and hooked up to an IV machine. Nervous energy streams through me and I grasp at housework to burn it off... but it doesn't help. I prepare for the worst-which at this point I believe would be the trip to the ER; a long night spent seeking stability.

Fear is rampant... until I recognize the battle. A trip to the ER is not the worst that could happen. Not my preference, but still not The Worst.

When panic surges, I try to reason with myself, to talk myself into believing all will be OK, but fear cannot be reasoned with. Fear must be fought.
 
Today I was urged to grab my bible and pray scripture over our situation. Ephesians 1:2 reads May God the Father and the Lord Jesus the Anointed surround you with grace and peace. (The Voice Translation)

Oh, how I need peace in these moments. I pray: God, grant me peace; I ask you to calm my heart, so I will hear your voice speaking Truth. May I turn a deaf ear to the enemy and walk in YOUR plans and purposes for me- even if this includes that which I would not choose.

Words from an old bible, binding worn 'til pages fell out, are secured to my bathroom mirror that truth might wash over me daily, granting comfort and courage when I begin to fall apart:  


Psalm 91:1-5
 1 He who takes refuge in the shelter of the Most High 
 will be safe in the shadow of the Almighty.
He will say to the Eternal, “My shelter, my mighty fortress,
    my God, I place all my trust in You.”
For He will rescue you from the snares set by your enemies...

Like a bird protecting its young, God will cover you with His feathers,
    will protect you under His great wings;
    His faithfulness will form a shield around you, a rock-solid wall to protect you.
(The Voice Translation)


Prayer and God's word form a double edged sword which slices through my fears, as I choose to take refuge. When I recognize anxiety, I raise the battle cry- "Help Me Jesus!"- and find help as I pour out every fear, every concern. 

 It helps me to visualize an altar- a place to lay to rest my anxieties. I release, let go, breathe deep of the safety God's presence provides. Then I picture God joining the battle, fighting off the enemy of my soul, speaking the truth- "This one is Safe in Me."

I seal the alliance with powerful words of hope:  "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."


~Just Me, Secure in the Lover of My Soul


 Psalm 56: 3-4 (The Voice Translation
    When struck by fear,  
I let go, depending securely upon You alone.  
In God—whose word I praise—
    in God I place my trust. I shall not let fear come in!