In the Chaos.... and In the Calm

Loss. It can come quietly, in expected waves, or suddenly, in a single blinding moment. It can leave debris scattered across city blocks, charred remains of ash and steel, blood and soul. Some days we've never forgotten.  "The grief does not go away," one victim whispered. Such loss. So much trauma.  In the days that followed, shock and grief carved caverns which are unquantifiable. The families of the victims do not remember only today. They carry aching chasms, never again feeling quite whole.  In times like these, the question comes: Where is God when the unspeakable happens?  Images seared in my mind, I offer up a question in response, "Who would do such a thing? " It was my first coherent thought after the madness. In the days that came, my husband packed his military gear, and I watched footage after work. Hope for survivors waned, and carnage evoked the reality of war come home. The question reeled- "Who would do such a thing?"  As the...

Chaos exploded across my life last week- unexpected, though I try to be aware that there is more at work in this world than what I can see. In the mornings, in the moments of quiet, I am working to purposely chose to connect to the Voice of Truth, drawing me back from the brink.  Sometimes I believe I am on my own in this journey, but Truth reminds me that, even when my help-mate is traveling, I am still not alone.  In the cool of the morning, I get out into the beauty of nature, and find stress relief through exercise, while being soothed by the lush green wilderness bordering our neighborhood park. I needed the endorphins and the spiritual connection badly after being mired in a fiery battle last week.   After a time of release and recovery, of refocus and refreshing,  today I am:    Grateful- for cool weather for my morning run/walk, and a new week with a fresh start.  Prayerful- that the week ahead will bring me to a place of g...

It took me by surprise, stunned me really. I was sharing my struggles and a dear sweet soul Thanked me for Not Being Perfect . Sometimes it's hard to find words.  To this moment all I can come up with is: Wow. I mean really... WOW. Sometimes I say, "I don't have to be perfect, because Jesus already was." And I believe it, much of the time. Comfort myself with it when I have lost control of my mouth after 8 hours with a Stubborn Teenager Who Does Not Want to Study For Finals and Goes Into the Bathroom to Hide- (for the umpteenth time). I mean, really. Who can be perfect in the face of such madness? In this season my primary ministry is my family, and this is where self-criticism strikes deepest. One of my sons struggles with a number of health issues, including depression. The fall of 2014 was particularly traumatic for us as a family as we desperately sought how to help him. Part of my own process was battling guilt. Guilt over how stressed and anxious a...

 This time of year there's a lot of anxiety over expectations. Yours, mine, and numerous others. Perfect place settings and greeting cards peer at me through the messy places in my life and I have to remind myself that my journey is different.  Recently I've been encouraged by a number of hearts who also deal with different life situations. Though our journeys are as diverse and varied as our challenges and joys, we all have places where life is not what we expected. There is a comfort in commonality; we remember we are not alone. That so much of our emotional response to difficult circumstances is strikingly normal- even when our lives are not. I relate to feeling judged when people (strangers or not) criticize when they can't begin to know the depths of heartaches, needs, or diagnoses.  I want to get to the place where people's opinions don't matter so much to me. I'd settle for getting to the place where their judgements don't shake me so. Somet...

Today, I am thankful for Red Cups. They are a symbol that I am blessed and live in a country where we are each free to believe and celebrate in the way that is most meaningful to us each-without fear for our lives. I am thankful for the many, many service members who sacrifice tremendously to defend these freedoms. I am proud to call you friend, and father, and husband, and cousin, and uncle... and Loved. I am grateful to those who gave all... ‪#‎ gonebutnotforgotten‬ I am thankful for the family members of military service members that sacrifice much as well-- especially to those who have supported me both while my husband was deployed and in the years of recovery since then. (Love you all bunches!!) I am grateful for a God who does not control or manipulate, but rather invites- loving Unconditionally, offering Acceptance of each individual's unique make up. ‪#‎ squarepegroundhole‬ I am thankful for God's boundless love that crosses divides rather than c...

Today I watched God's Not Dead. A compelling plot. I loved the courage of the college student, the bravery of the young woman who left a domineering and abusive relationship, the unwavering faith of the missionary, whose joy was simply contagious. Most of all, I loved... well, I'll tell you a bit later. First, I have to confess that the conclusion was a bit neatly wrapped for my pragmatic sensibilities. Not everything was resolved (I know) and I get why there is resolution in the main plot: it's meant to encourage Christians to stand firm in faith, in the face of ridicule, abuse, even sacrifice. Still, I grapple with the realism quotient. We humans are problems solvers, so we long for resolution. Yet in my life, this is not a daily reality. All is not finally and perfectly resolved. Life is unpredictable, even chaotic. If I can't have resolution, will I settle for assurance? Assurance that eventually, somehow everything is going to be alright?  I used to pin ...

Most Americans remember exactly where we were when we got the news. An attack- right here in the continental U.S. I was teaching in a private school, and the owner pulled me aside. Hushed tones conveyed a frantic message: Today was like no other day. Due to the attacks in New York and D.C., the Dallas Trade center was shutting down for the day, for the safety of it's employees. Businesses all around stopped mid stride. Some students might be picked up early, and some parents might be considerably delayed. I didn't see the footage until after work; unspeakable scenes exploding across my TV screen. Footage playing over, and over, and over... that which I could not quite process. People running... fireballs and smoke... one collapse, and another...debris mingled with trembling lives... scores of cars abandoned on bridges while their owners fled.  How could this happen? Who would do such a thing? We were shocked and yet uncommonly united. Differences melted away, and human be...