In the Chaos.... and In the Calm

Fear. It does not always come in the darkness of night. Sometimes it arrives in the early morning, when I wake to the weak voice of my son, who has type one diabetes, whispering in my ear, "Mom, I feel sick."  He bolts to my bathroom and I run, too, to try to comfort, hoping my presence is enough, while I wrestle with helplessness- and fear. Once he is back in bed, miserable, aching, I can't get still. The jolt from sleeping to wild wakefulness leaves my heart racing. Flip flops pound across tile, hands sweep through the medicine cabinet for something, anything to help him. Within the hour, blood glucose has been checked, fresh insulin given, a new "set" for the insulin pump has been attached to his body.  The on call doctor has advised, and nausea medicine has been administrated. Everything medically necessary has been done. But another hour wait until the next blood glucose check leaves me gaping. If I sit with him, I will only keep him awake. So I train a w...

There is a weariness not of body, but of heart and soul. It's been one of those weeks. When I wake, bleary eyed to one child sick in the night, and another shaking with sugars skyrocketing, and later, plummeting. It's been a week of frantic moments. Conversations with on-call doctors, diabetes educators, (long) calls with pharmacists, and yes, I have resorted to begging. Help me!  Help my son. Help me help my son! I am at the end of myself, simply making do with what's leftover. And it strikes me. Perhaps I am looking for help in all the wrong places. Like the country song I knew growing up... looking in too many faces. Trying (desperately) to find what I'm dreaming of. When I push through the fear and the drowsiness, it is possible the answer is found in taking pause?  If I stop I fear I'll fall to pieces. Maybe I need to fall to pieces. Perhaps the key to being strong is found beyond my own weak strength. Maybe being strong is coming to the end of all I a...

Oh, day of rest,  How beautiful, how fair!  ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Today I long for green- cucumbers and spinach leaves to feed the body, and  slender blades of grass to feed my soul. Oh, to lay in a clover green meadow and breathe in the breeze, the sky, the voice quietly whispering my name.  What is stopping me? The urge is strong, yet I work, still. I push through to gain a prize whose name I do not know. The whisper beckons me out into mid- morning. Persistently. I stop working and take off shoes and socks, stepping onto  the grassy slope behind our home.  The ground is cool, as I knew it would be; verdant, and pliable, warming to my touch. I lean back, relaxing, supported by soft spikes. I feel the breeze and hear a gentle song lilt from the shadow of wings. Pages flap and I wonder:  Why is it so hard to be still ? I stay, cloaked in green, while my eyes adjust to the light. In the distance, cars hum, people rushing ...

My son has test anxiety, and it can be pretty intense. With all the stress and struggle and extra homework surrounding the STAAR testing here in Texas, we've been dealing with a lot of apprehension and dread. Our weekend devotions focused on giving God all our fears, and learning to hear his voice calming our hearts. We read Jeremiah 29:11-12. Verse eleven is well known, but I really love the perspective verses twelve and thirteen bring. 11  For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. 12  At that time, you will call out for Me, and I will hear. You will pray, and I will listen. 13  You will look for Me intently, and you will find Me when you seek me with all your heart. I shared with the boys that when I am worried, I close my eyes and remember that he is there to help me. Then I picture placing my concerns in God's big hands, one by one. We prayed this morning before school...

"What is a week end? "  the (Downton Abbey) Dowager Countess quipped. Ah, the weekend!  What would I do without the much needed time to rest, renew, and have some recreation? Let's face it, the week is full of rush and hurry, and at my house, that means anxiety. There is the scramble to get to school, the busy-ness of managing medical issues day to day, the struggle of making dinner while helping with homework, the stretch to have (more) homework completed before bed time. We are, after all, gearing up for the STAAR test, so that means more stress and more work, and therefore less rest for our kiddos. So this weekend, I determined, would be a time to rest and unwind. To set aside Think Through Math and I station, and all the other testing preparation assignments, and just have a day of fun. Saturday morning we moved purposely slow, and then about noon I dug out the swim gear, packed up snacks and towels (and medical supplies) and loaded the car with two very excited ...

When my husband and I married, I dreamed of the two of us growing a family as we worked together to build a life of ministry. I didn't need a white picket fence, but I did hope to have an meaningful life. As a teen, I had surrendered to serve God "in a special way", and I longed to make a difference in this world. I assumed I would be a missionary, but was happy to be a minister's wife instead. I ended up serving as a little of both when he became an Army Chaplain.  I'd imagined preaching the Good News in a country far away, but it seemed I was called to tread the soil of my own country, gradually moving farther and farther away from all I knew. God took me out of my comfort zone and brought me to a place where I could focus on knowing Him, where I could learn about healing, forgiveness, and how to serve in the ways he created me to serve. Through all of this, God prepared me for the lightening bolt that would split my life in two. PTSD struck my life with a f...

When life throws a curve ball, it is natural to be overwhelmed with emotions. This time, it was not a trip to the hospital or a 911 call, but for a mother's heart, it was just as urgent. News came of a life altering development; a decision now required to move forward. As parents, we all want what is best for our children, and I found myself grasping for information, desperately seeking knowledge to help direct the course of my son's education.  A meeting has been called to discuss the changes, and now all that is left is to wait. I have a lot of questions, but the one that weighs deepest on my heart is this: What is best for my child?  I reached out to other parents in an attempt to glean information, initiating conversation through social media. Many of us are upset, confused;  emotions ignited by the pressure of choices to be made. As I shared my own fears, the voice of a friend caught my attention. A simple reminder of the power of prayer... and my perspective shift...