In the Chaos.... and In the Calm

When life throws a curve ball, it is natural to be overwhelmed with emotions. This time, it was not a trip to the hospital or a 911 call, but for a mother's heart, it was just as urgent. News came of a life altering development; a decision now required to move forward. As parents, we all want what is best for our children, and I found myself grasping for information, desperately seeking knowledge to help direct the course of my son's education.  A meeting has been called to discuss the changes, and now all that is left is to wait. I have a lot of questions, but the one that weighs deepest on my heart is this: What is best for my child?  I reached out to other parents in an attempt to glean information, initiating conversation through social media. Many of us are upset, confused;  emotions ignited by the pressure of choices to be made. As I shared my own fears, the voice of a friend caught my attention. A simple reminder of the power of prayer... and my perspective shift...

Sometimes life does not line up with our expectations. God himself is above and beyond anything that we, in our finite existence, can imagine- and sometimes we wonder at his ways, even his motives. His own son defied the expectations of the most devout, particularly the pharisees. This religious movement was made up of lay people, not priests- average, everyday citizens that were deeply committed to the Hebrew scriptures and traditions. They were waiting for a Rescuer, one who would free them from Roman oppression. It was a dangerous and volatile world they lived in, and they coped by clinging to the law. They believed that the Messiah would not come until the Jewish community cleaned up their act, casting off all tolerance of sin. Their hearts were tuned towards a return to the Hebraic law, and they hoped that if they could just get the sinners to change their ways, then God would send the One who would free them. Then Jesus came, proclaiming forgiveness, touching the unclean, heal...

I'm learning that what I allow to linger in my mind takes root and shapes my attitude, my decisions, even my daily life. I want to pursue what is true and right and noble and pure, yet I find myself distracted by murmurings within. Distortion of truth can be almost indiscernible if lies oppress long enough. Allegations can be mistaken for authenticity. Words can become weapons, as self-reproach and derision pummel away at the inner life- the true life that makes up who I really am, behind the mask. It's a struggle, this truth seeking. Reckless words spoken by loved ones in jest or anger can worm into the tender places of my soul, becoming daily poison, marking the deepest corners of my identity. And the enemy uses these words to pierce my mind with accusation, guilt, and self loathing. Every evil that has come against me originated with the enemy of my soul. So, yes, he knows my fragile places and still schemes to deliver subtle but annihilating blows. Yet there is r...

I am still quite a bit of a mess. 18 days into the new year and I feel so much more undone than I did in 2012. And in a way quite uncomfortable in heart and spirit. I feel less "holy" (set apart) and more aware of the holes. I suppose this is all part of the process- not just coming to terms with the fact that I am flawed, but looking into the gaping eyes of my imperfections. I am more aware of when I hear God's voice and I really do not want to listen. I am definitely more aware of the times when he asks me to be present and I simply want to run- to flee fast and hard, or hide under the covers from the messiness in my life, in my very soul. My soapbox has crashed and the pedestal has broken. I do not want to be the how-to "Pinterest Perfection" blogger that only shares from the highlight reel. I want to be authentic, to get down and dirty, but I fear the cost may be a little more honesty than the world wide community is prepared for. A recen...

I read the words and my heart welled up, pushing wetness out of ducts meant to convey toxins out and healing in. What struck me most was the guilt, the loss of hope. And I wanted to say: Oh, honey- don't spend one more day looking at lists of everything you thought you should have done. From "Don't should on yourself" to the "tyranny of the shoulds", phrases flit through my mind. But when hope seems lost, humor can ring hollow. The truth is- the truth is that we are all flawed. And fighting through discouragement is a very real battle. It is that time of year when many aspire to "do better". To throw off the cloak of human frailty and soar, despite these feet of clay. Sorrow, sadness over what I did not accomplish won't really help me change. Will it? No, but I do think that prayer and determination will. Don't get me wrong- there are plenty of mourning places in this life. But failings- in this imperfect world, they are part of our...

It wasn't a date. It really wasn't. Sure, we had talked about maybe going together to join a gym. But it slipped his mind. He didn't do it out of meanness. He simply forgot. And I forget things, too. But I was angry. So angry. And I didn't really even know why. It's not like before, when he was struggling simply to live. It's not like when he hated life, God, everything- even me and the kids. It wasn't like the years that simply being in a room with him tore at my soul. This time, it was simply a mistake. But I felt so very wounded. I went back, back to the year when he loved nothing and no one- not even me. And I tried to tell myself that this was not then. That things are better now. That he really does love me, and he is a good husband and father, and that he shows his love for me in so many ways. But all I could feel was the hurt. And I felt guilty for feeling hurt. It made absolutely no sense- and perfect sense all at once. You see, so much of what...

And so, a New Year is upon us.  Do you wonder where the old year has gone? It's been said said that minutes draw out, while years speed by. And the question I ask myself is How ... How did I spend my time? Turning away from guilt, looking at the very real challenges, I take stock- where did I grow well, and where does God want to bring light?  And so, as I look forward to the beautiful messyness of life- my life- for my journey is not to be compared with another's- I seek to pursue balance, and allow God to move me forward towards greater wholeness- in spirit, mind, and body.  There is a time when reflections on what came before can teach how to live well through what's to come. And so I share thoughts that ruminated across my mind in seasons past. For more life lessons that came before, take a stroll here . And as the New Year dawns, with abundant Grace, let us let go of regrets and seize our tomorrows, whatever they bring, remembering we are Held in the han...