In the Chaos.... and In the Calm

I am still quite a bit of a mess. 18 days into the new year and I feel so much more undone than I did in 2012. And in a way quite uncomfortable in heart and spirit. I feel less "holy" (set apart) and more aware of the holes. I suppose this is all part of the process- not just coming to terms with the fact that I am flawed, but looking into the gaping eyes of my imperfections. I am more aware of when I hear God's voice and I really do not want to listen. I am definitely more aware of the times when he asks me to be present and I simply want to run- to flee fast and hard, or hide under the covers from the messiness in my life, in my very soul. My soapbox has crashed and the pedestal has broken. I do not want to be the how-to "Pinterest Perfection" blogger that only shares from the highlight reel. I want to be authentic, to get down and dirty, but I fear the cost may be a little more honesty than the world wide community is prepared for. A recen...

I read the words and my heart welled up, pushing wetness out of ducts meant to convey toxins out and healing in. What struck me most was the guilt, the loss of hope. And I wanted to say: Oh, honey- don't spend one more day looking at lists of everything you thought you should have done. From "Don't should on yourself" to the "tyranny of the shoulds", phrases flit through my mind. But when hope seems lost, humor can ring hollow. The truth is- the truth is that we are all flawed. And fighting through discouragement is a very real battle. It is that time of year when many aspire to "do better". To throw off the cloak of human frailty and soar, despite these feet of clay. Sorrow, sadness over what I did not accomplish won't really help me change. Will it? No, but I do think that prayer and determination will. Don't get me wrong- there are plenty of mourning places in this life. But failings- in this imperfect world, they are part of our...

It wasn't a date. It really wasn't. Sure, we had talked about maybe going together to join a gym. But it slipped his mind. He didn't do it out of meanness. He simply forgot. And I forget things, too. But I was angry. So angry. And I didn't really even know why. It's not like before, when he was struggling simply to live. It's not like when he hated life, God, everything- even me and the kids. It wasn't like the years that simply being in a room with him tore at my soul. This time, it was simply a mistake. But I felt so very wounded. I went back, back to the year when he loved nothing and no one- not even me. And I tried to tell myself that this was not then. That things are better now. That he really does love me, and he is a good husband and father, and that he shows his love for me in so many ways. But all I could feel was the hurt. And I felt guilty for feeling hurt. It made absolutely no sense- and perfect sense all at once. You see, so much of what...