Some days I run until I'm breathless. I run in the park, straining forward, pushing beyond my own strength, praying- and reaching through the wind to the One who is my help.
I run home (more of a brisk walk) up the hill, around the corner, feet pounding in time with every exhale. I fill my belly with fuel for the day, and press on, managing medical needs. Calls to doctors and medical supply companies, organizing finances and our home. Not a rushing, no, more of a steady pace to get through the list of priorities. Asked to take breaks along the way to listen to needs and respond. Then, time for more fuel, and I begin to wilt, realizing my need to STOP and press in.
This season stretches on, nights broken by multiple blood glucose checks, days punctuated by calls from the school nurse- daily, hourly. Every moment seems to hold difficult decisions to be made: should my man-child push through diabetes symptoms to be at school one class period longer, or should he come home and rest- and later have to make up what he's missed? Sometimes ketones make the decision for us.
The weeks fly by and while I take in the beauty of spring, I wonder where time has gone... praying I spent it well, managing the days, rather than using them up. For when I rush through and forget where to find sustenance- in the One who IS my strength and wisdom... well, then I find I am all out of breath again. So I am learning to create moments of connection throughout the day, often around meals. As I nourish my body, I seek to refuel in soul and spirit, too.
Today's release was an exercise in soaking...lingering. Leaning back, truly resting. A sweet voice lilted through iTunes:
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the heavens,
Rising to your heart, your heart
Our praises, filling up the spaces
In between our frailties and everything you are.
You are the keeper of my heart
Truth sings out:
And I'm restless,
I'm restless, 'til I rest in you
'til I rest in you
I'm restless, 'til I rest in you
'til I rest in you, Oh God.
I want to rest in You
I sat up tall and straight, like I was taught, working to sing along, yet the song would not ring out until I leaned back, resting fully in the One who is my Peace. I did everything I had been trained to do- yet I couldn't support the notes until I truly knew the rest and filling of his Presence.
What is it that connects you to God's presence? What fills you up with love for him, and grants true rest for you?
For me, it can be quietness and prayer, or pouring out as I walk and run in nature. It can be worshipful music swelling, my arms lifted high in praise, or sweet moments granted in the midst of chaos. Connection can take many forms, but almost always, it requires a purposeful drawing apart. A time to exit the ambient noise of this life and Be Still so I can be filled.
My heart's cry as I care for my special needs family is that I would focus on relationality- with my husband and children, and my God, too. "It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." (Psalm 18:32, NIV). He "aims my way" (MSG), brings focus and wellness. Every moment is an opportunity to connect, and when I respond to His invitation, my whole life becomes a prayer:
I will always be restless, until I rest in You. Be my Lord, order my steps. I commit to rest in God my Rock, for your are my Peace in every moment.