There is a weariness not of body, but of heart and soul. It's been one of those weeks. When I wake, bleary eyed to one child sick in the night, and another shaking with sugars skyrocketing, and later, plummeting.
It's been a week of frantic moments. Conversations with on-call doctors, diabetes educators, (long) calls with pharmacists, and yes, I have resorted to begging. Help me! Help my son. Help me help my son! I am at the end of myself, simply making do with what's leftover.
And it strikes me. Perhaps I am looking for help in all the wrong places. Like the country song I knew growing up... looking in too many faces. Trying (desperately) to find what I'm dreaming of. When I push through the fear and the drowsiness, it is possible the answer is found in taking pause?
If I stop I fear I'll fall to pieces. Maybe I need to fall to pieces. Perhaps the key to being strong is found beyond my own weak strength. Maybe being strong is coming to the end of all I am and crying out "Help Me!" to the One who is my strength, my very present help in trouble (if I will let Him in.)
A much needed reminder that came even today: I am not alone. Words of comfort flow in and fill the places where I feel hammered. I am grateful for hearts, here before me, hands ready to come along side and lift me up- when I am too spent to raise myself. And, above all the provisions of friends of the heart, there is One, who stands ready to hold, to shelter, to restore. I desperately need to stop holding my breath and running through chaos. As I was reminded today, I can choose to participate in the chaos, or I can let it go. Rest is a verb. It means to stop. To relieve weariness by cessation of exertion or labor. To be quiet and still.
It seems a long time since I was broken, spilled out. Yet there is strength in the spilling out. There is release, and a
wholeness born of restoration. I lean in to the arms that hold and cover, allowing peace to unfold. My comforter smooths the layers of fear, lifts eyes laden with burdens to see his heart. As I pause, and linger, I am reminded that it is so good to 'Be still'. In the stillness, He can draw near and calm my heart, and in his presence I find rest for my soul.